Loneliness in the Midst of a crowd

Lonelines in the Mids of a crowd, School brings a whole new perspective on life,It is no longer simply about the work and classes, for students its about the social standards and Ranks.............

School is something Ive always hated but I always end up getting sucked into. The work is fairly easy but socially Im puzzled by the bitches who's only purpose is to do anything to win popularity. With their hushed comments, and their cowardly scowls they think they dominate, and the funnies thing is how the nicest ones are always the ones to get sucked in! In this chaotic little world I am surround by a primary group that keeps me sane, Stong people unlike me that do not dwel on what you or anyone else think about them, One of which haappens to be my other half. He is my rocked, and though I can sometimes be a pain or neglect him when Im going through of my "scenerios" he supprisingly sticks around. I tend to make friendships with boys and Tomboys easily because with them I do not have to worry about all the characteristics I hate about girls. My group of guy friends always keep me smiling whenever Im having a a bad day, They are immune to the little secret world of Gossip and cruelties that the girls seem to have built up. They don't criticize everything about you, and they except you for who you are.Mark, scott, and Quisha are inseptable, they always hang out with each other and they dont mind making fun of each other just for the fun of the moment. Zander (my other half) Is amazing tome, and his best friend Ben is the kindest goofiest person. Carl and Lance act like twins they always know what's on each other's mind and always love to mess with me. steve (Lance's twin) Is the opposite of him he loves school and barely jokes around unless his talking to James, who is funny and perverted. Francis is the pothead that's not afraid to speak his mind. Johnny and Edward are the Zoes they love to just hang out and secretly joke at other's expense in their creole. to everybosy Im the main target, the friend, the screwup, and the tiny girl who thinks she's tough and loves to be violent. These are the only people keeping me from having a seizure at school, I dont know what I would do without them!

SCHOOL?

SCHOOOL! Public school is a waste of time. I hate the shopping,getting my hair done, and the first day of school. sure Im itching to know witch one of those popular wannabes are leaving and witch are staying but thats not worth all my time.As for my old flame well.....Im not sure. We havent talked sence school ended I do miss him but Im not sure the sparks are here, The relationship was not that well to begin with it seemed more forced than anything. but rest assure he was my first will always remain that, as for the continuing of our relationship im not sure if that will have much endurance. And who knows we may not be the perfect match we tought we were, or we migh have moved on already.Once we hopefully reunited if its maint to be It'll happen not i hope we can at least remain my friend he is my zander.My cyber babes I feel sorry stringing him along,but what else am i suppose to do i cant bare to tell him the truth to tell him our entire relationship is a lie, that in real life we could never be together,i think he's falling in love with my cyber self what am i suppose to say to him. I would have loved to date him maybe we could have fallin in love but too bad its simply cannot happen, its all a lie. We live in two different world, he is unaware of the true me he is only in love our fantasy self. If we could remain our fantasy self we could fall in love but with a dose of reality me and my supposed twin are not who he tought we were.As My zander on the other end what is he going to say, how is he going to act? How is he going to talk to me, what are they gonna think how are they gonna clash what will happen in the end? I have no idea afterall who knows in the name of love?

Caught in the Middle

These couple of days haveshown me that friendshipand betrayal can sometimes go hand and hand, and that confliction can tear a family apart. recently i was caught in the middle of a terrible situation. unfortumaely baming the another person as the victim simply bacuase i didnt know her side of the story, now thats not me. after some soul searching and learning both stories i found myself not choosing a side because these are people and there lives should not be toyed with, why should i have to pick a side there both my friends and both deserve the benefit of the doubt.Today I am lost in my thoughts not knowing what to beliveve, what not to believe. Ive been here before, in this widing path it reminds me why i am the way that I am. You see i use to that sweet nce girl who always did what she was told and singed at church everyday, and prayed god every waking hour. Ths was until I relized Life is a bitch and sometimes you have to be one too,so I stopped being so nice because I was tired of getting walked all over, I started cuttiing to get over the pains and distress of life, and as for church why pray and worship a god who cannot lve your life for you. was done being naive I had to go out there and live my life that wanted, so that same day I did what i felt like doing, which was getting 2 new piercings. So next tme you want to ask me who am and why Ill tell you the story of how i used to be and how became the way that i am, and why. Because you don't know me until you really get to know me.

What Im up to

Went home to visit my parents yeesterday. not as much of a dissapointment as I eexpected,they were cool, My dad painted my room YELLOW! I hate yellow its too bright for me but instead of telling him I bit my bloody tongue and thank him after all repainting is too much of a hassle and plus he wanted to do something nice for me by supprising me so I might as well deal with, on account of the repainting I am had to do a little redecorating in my room Im thinking of putting up some posters that might be nice.lol. Came home and us Vampires stayed up all night jaming to raggae music,watching movies,and wathching tv.at the same time it was kinnda of weird but we had fun were vampires after all. I am working on my first novel ever and its making me its making me miss my cousin more she's the author in the family and my bestest friend. yup this chick is almost as crazy as me.lol. I can't believe I am forced to go back to public school in a month I miss those home school days public school is a waste of time on ignorant children especially my school!
The 4 vampires are sleeping so Im alone, I think I like better that way, the silence helps me think, but on the other hand sometimes my mind drives me crazy. I am drowning myself in my never ending thoughts,beliefs,and hopes.Right now my mother's on my mind its killing me how much I miss her right now,I wonder how she would feel if she had been with me those nights at the hospital I wonder what she would tell me In my mind she betrayed she left me all alone in the world I NEEDED a mother in my life but did she care about me? No she cared more about her freedom so she did what she tought was best for me and now I talk way less than I should and I haven't seen her in years,If this is what she tought was best for me she was dead wrong,I feel like Im in hell I hope this was worth her freedom. And I blame him for agreeing to do it,for listening to her, I was only 7 1/2 years old did they really think my heart could endure so much heartbreake, I blame them for everything. Half of the time
I cut is because of all the heartbrake they have managed to put me through. Don't get me wrong Im not playing the victim every slice of flesh on my skin was caused by me every ounce of blood I produced by me,every perfect stich was personally sown with my hands and I am not making any excuses for that But why did it have to be so easy to do, why all the temptation.

Writer

Why did I create a blog? This blog is my realease from my life once I write my anger,pain,discomfort,love,and happiness I will feel better. I have always loved wrting and have used to keep me sane. Im the type of girl, I don't cry easily and I keep to myself always but Im secretly dying on the inside.I have the ability to change my mood with just one simple tought, and I can see people who are fake from a mile away. I hate people who think they know everything i don't know everything and Am always willing to learn. My thery in life is we don't know who we truly are and what we have and will become until we reach our last minute living. I believe in a lot of religions and believe people should be judge by their religion.As for sexuality iI consider myself Bi-curious cause I cannot honestly say Im sure that Im straight,gay,or bisexual. Life for me is not the worst it could but I must say its not normal. Im not normal and have absolutely no intentions in becoming normal. If you don't like me than that's your problem not mine,and if life's gonna be a B then I might as well be one too. Am I suicidal? I don't know Im not gonna lie I have had suicidal thought before for many reason but clearly hasnt done it yet. Growing with anemia,brochi,and infectious Ive always had to deal with pain, When I cut I dont always have suicidal thought accuring in my head sometimes its just a feeling to make me feel human or shock me back to life. Fear, I have too many fears in life My fears in life are not of horror movies or animals, But of the voices in my mind, life,and time. The voices in my mind, The voices in my mind are what make me craziest they are the ones that tell me to The worst part of life the ones that remind Im not like everybody else and I cannot do anything I want. Life, We are here to only eat one life so have have to make the best of it and live it to the fullest that has always given me the fear of letting life past you by.Time, time has the ability to control our surroudings,our actions,reactions,and perceptions, Its fearful how one substance one minoe property of life can control us so. Its my time to go and I leave you with this in mind think of it well and consider its meanings and dont be shy to let me know your way of seeing it.